leftovers

There are still too many things in my head which I have to assimilate. Things that I thought I had sorted out through and through. One of them is the feeling of being left back. The lack of interest. Suddenly I felt I was not a part of that relationship anymore. I was living with and by the leftovers of a a relationship that did no longer exist. But the worst part was finding out it was not only what I thought. It was real. I tried my best (like I've never done before) to sort things out. I didn't even try going back and make it what it used to be because I knew that was not possible. I tried to work out something brand new. But though I got a good feedback, which fed the hope in me, day by day I had the proof nothing was changing. And what is worse, he didn't want it to change. And I still don't know why.

Still feeling like shit

But happy in a way. I´m always surrounded by people who are very nice to me and that helps me fell more like at home. But at home in the heart, not my country or my particular house. It is lovely when you find nice people that take care of you. I wish the world was a bit more like that :-)

Love, love, love

Lately I've been blogging sad stories and I thought I might write something happy today. But then I thought I couldn't think of anything joyful. I have just moved to Shanghai, which has been a very desired change in my life. In fact Shanghai is great, weird but great. But I feel a bit lonesome, which does not, of course, mean that I am alone but I miss you guys a lot. Most of all I miss hugs and kisses and human contact in general. But anyway, here comes my birthday again and as usual I feel like shit.

Where was I... oh, yes. I was talking about happy posts. I really wanted to leave madrid, I always wanted to. And I finally did it! I like being here, though this culture is absolutely not something I can understand. But they had told me about this before I came. So, what the fuck, I'll give it a try.

The weeks surrounding my birthday have been a sad time ever since I can remember. When I was 8 years old I remember a birthday party at home which I didn't even want to atttend. And that's the way it's always been. And I've tried to change it, but haven't beeen successful yet. So here's another sad birthday for me.

go to hell

And this city is so strange and lonesome. And I have learned what it feels like to be an alien. And I can't communicate.

And I have remembered what it feels like to feel isolated from someone. Not by one's will. It's that feeling of emptyness. And you wanna tell yourself: "Go to hell!"